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What I want and what I need. 

This is the post excerpt.

My name is Jess. I’m from Grand Rapids MI and I’m 27 years old.for the past 10 or 11 years I have been a real bad alcoholic heavy into drinking whatever got me drunk. I was mean. I would start fights just to fight no matter if I even knew what the hell I was talking about.i was not nice to the people around me. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted.i was to busy trying to get drunk. I couldn’t keep relationships most of my friends where sick of me drinking all the time I have lost jobs,friends,girlfriends, places to live in and out of rehab since I was 25. I would buy pure vanilla extract with my food stamps to drink “35 present alcohol “. I had lost everything even my best friend of a little more then 10 years told me he didn’t want anything to do with me if I was just going to pis my life away with alcohol. “He’s my brother” and I love him. His name is Kevin he has helped me far to much the whole time I known him. After he said that the drinking got bad. It was a 3 day binge..I knew after that I had fully lost control and I had hit rock bottom and needed a way out. People that would try to tell me I was not doing so good with how I was drinking would be told to just fuck them selfs. After I broke down on the 3rd night of my binge I cried and prayed to god. Something in the morning was telling me to get dressed and pack a bag and check myself into rehabilitation for the second time.i went to this place a few miles away called network 180 and I was there for hours trying to get the the help I really did need to expect. A few hours after I walked in as I was waiting I started to feel like I was going to throw up and well..I did..for about 5 hours in and out of the bathroom I spent. After a few hours It turned into blood and it was hurting real bad. After seeing who I need she sent me to the ER from there. The doctor said I was legally dead. I remember lying on the floor at the ER waiting to get done puking thinking I never wanted to feel like this again. So I get to the rehabilitation called pivot “the hope nerwork” it was a great place that really did help me. I was there for about 5 to 7 days I left before I should have but it turned out well. I really did meet some incredible people and some real crazy stories in there and to be honest I did have a little fun. That was January 18 2017. About two months ago and I haven’t had another drink as of March 14 2017. After I had gotten out “walked off in a fit of rage” I was sober a some amount of time when I got a message on Facebook from a friend Heather. She was telling me she had gotten me a korn ticket to see my favorite band because she was proud of me for trying to clean up. I was way to excited and I had about a mouth yet to wait..I’m 27 years old my roommate and good friend Pete got me a book the guitar player from korn had wrote and I loved it so much I try ed to get them all a few Kevin got me also. See I never liked to read I wasn’t very good at it. But I loved it after his books. He talks a lot about leaving one of the biggest bands to walk this planet “korn” to make peace and find the lord. Well I was walking to find out more about this concert the one time I try to walk a different way downtown I found this couch and I walked In. Father David welcomed me in with all kinds of love. I was thinking about getting baptized before I started Brains book weeks before. I asked father David to baptize me. We set a day and I was there. It was new I hadn’t been to a couch in years..after it was all done and over with I felt a little better but I did feel love from all the people and that did feel really good. At the time when I was asking God to help me I didn’t know how to. I only said god please help me please help me..I think that was all I needed to say because I truly believe he did. It’s only been a little under 2 months but I was a really bad really heavy drinker for the last few years.i never put to much into what I wanted probably because I was drunk all the time but it come before I was really heavy into drinking and it was music. Korn really had a influence on me as a teenager the reason I picked up the guitar years ago. Inspired me to get of alcohol and get on the track I need to be on. But now.sober. things are starting to look hopeful I’m seeing “maybe meeting korn” Kevin is trying to buy his first house and if so bring me along with him. I have learned I can work as a cook “that was my resent lost job” not by alcohol.  And it’s something I really loved making people food I get this sick pleasure out of. And I know I’m a dawn good cook. I just need to figure out what way I should go with my life I really wanna be a rock star but I mean come on. .I’m not ever that good at playing the guitar.  But I know I can cook. I guess god will have what happens let happen. I find it hard to deal with emotions and feelings also I have been to drunk all the time to have to deal with them. I was always to numb to even feel sad or happy the alcohol would just make me think I was happy and it was a draining feeling the way I cou,do deal with things was to drink alot of the times when I’d be doing things “most things” I would either have a good buzz of be full on drunk of my ass but I was really good at hiding it from most people. I would start a relationship drunk “at a bar or internet” then I would end them drunk. I couldn’t do anything without alcohol and it stared to really make me kinda sad. I would just drown all the feelings by drinking more and more. I was out of hand. One night I came home “Brad and Chelsea” place drunken than ever lots and lots of vodka and bud lights..yeah bud light. I know right gross. “My piss had more alcohol in it”. Well I told the boys to tack turns kicking me in my dick and we’ll what friend wouldn’t?  So they agreed so I dropped my pants and there took about 3 nice kicks to my balls “bear dick bear foot” well I didn’t feel anything….till I woke up the next morning. .that was bad..my dad dyed in 1998 for to much alcohol mom said he didn’t life to be 40 that was means if I kept doing what I was I only had about 11 years and I wasn’t even done getting tattooed let alone what I really want to do with myself I have no kids but I’m unsure about that. I remember my ex Erin telling me “Jess I love you but you have a problem and you need help and she said it’s gonna be me or your alcohol pick one” the only thing I said was baby your not going to like my answer. She was on her way to work and on her way out the door she said one last thing “get help Jesse get help” I sat there for a few minutes thinking and I feel like a fuckin jerk. But what did I do? waited a about 10 or 15 more minutes to make the cost was clear then I went into her jar of loose change and took out 1.09 and walked right to the store and got a beer. I would always buy the biggest most potent beer for the cheapest. I drank a lot of steal reserve. when I had money it was whiskey or miller light a lot of the times both. I had no control over the alcohol I was powerless I would drink when I was so mutch as just hungry. Sleep, boredom, sadness,alone,happy whatever reason I’d make up reasons to get beer. Good news bad news anything.i Knew I had so I have so much to bring to the world so much to offer. To help when I can and who I can. I really just don’t know what I want to do with myself and we will see what this new life I am going to try to make happen as hard as I gotta fight I will try.

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Sleep walker.

A dream is like a story. Maybe about whats next. Whats to come. A vivid detailed slidshow so real at times is like your not asleep more like your living as if id never been to sleep. A detailed story book of yourself that at times you dont even understand. Sometimes your not scared but save. Sometimes tormented scared so bad when you wake it takes you a few minutes to realize it was only just a dream. Dreaming of a loved one or a memory. Like a movie sence by sence your trapped in your own mind all day only to re live it at night. Things happen that you want to forget to just dream of to remind us that it will not go away. We try to let go or drown them away. The alcohol only worss for so long. Sleep is a intestine thing if you think about it. Waht is it? Why do we shut down? A dream of the dream. The dream of the dreamer. Sometimes we dont dream. Or we just dont remember a dream. But theres things some people do while there dreaming. Sleep walk. Sleep talk. Sleep eat? If you stay awake to long it begins to feel like a dream. If a dream is a memory of a time or a event. A event of passed or one yet to come. Maybe a dream is a thought as of what your thinking before you fall into a deep sleep. Or something you witnessed that makes it to where you cant sleep. Some dont like to dream. Some love to dream. Sad dreams or happy dreams. There all dreams. When i dream i dream of falling or open water. Sometimes my mom. Sometimes my addiction to alcohol and my former friends. Or my love for music. Sometimes i dream of going to places i dont want to go. Dreams of people i dont want to see. Dreams of money fame attention revenge and greed. What is a dream? A complete layout of a human mind? If you can dream it you can do it.

Dark whiskey.

I find myself talking myself out of suicide. I haven’t slept in two days. I live in a basement. cold. Dark. Small. Its a prison. Resiting the urge to put antifreeze in my whiskey. Im 28 years old. 29 in one month. I find it extremely sicking to feel like i have lost all love for music. As the world stops breathing all hope is freezing. Her lips where cold. Her heart was dead but still not beating. Come have a shot with me. You knew me from down the street. Im to stound to beat.

Trinity.

As I walked downtown Grand Rapids MI. I walked passed a church “Trinity” as I have been by many times before. Mouths before I was thinking of finding Jesus. following failed attempts to other churches being doors weren’t open. Much to my surprise it was open and I meet father David. He took me in right away and I soon meet his wife Glenys.i soon was at a church and was meeting lots of great people. Being a 27 year old “punk” looking criminal I was quickly loved by many. I’m a dreamer of someday being a famous Rockstar and I sure did look the part. I soon meet with the guitar player from the church Zach witch he soon fixed up a old fender and loaned to me. My name is Jess My whole childhood was kinda messed up Don my “dad” died in 1998 and I was touched in my teens didn’t help the matter. Witch would more than likely turn into a real bad drinking problem as I got a little older.

Who am i?

Why am i here? Do i truly have a place? A reason to be here? How long do i need to be here? Where will i go in the shit show i call my life? There are far to many questions with so little answers. Was i ment for something? Or someone? Will i leave a mark on this planet? On people? To be so misunderstood in a generation far to confusing for me to grasp. To come to a simple understanding of so much. Lost in this place like a shadow in the night burnt out like the stars in the morning light. Im like a forgotten faded memory from one whom see nothing but truth. Hidden behind so many lies like a criminal on the run from the non stop gilt of the gruesome hes brought upon himself after his crimes he cant take back. For what reason do we do what we do? what will i accomplish? Who will i change? Who will i love? What is life? Is there more than what is seen? What will i mean to you? Have i ever ment anything to start with? Whats the point? I ask myself if not everyday every other day. And i have nothing to tell myself. Was i ment for a person? Was i ment to be alone? To stay alone? To die alone? To me when your stuck inside a mind you dont fully understand it can be a dangerous and disturbing place with no one that can answer questions that you cant even ask. How can i talk about what goes on in my head when i dont understand half the time? Even when there are so many people all around and all kinds or questions to ask. When you dont truly trust a breathing soul. When you are here all alone. When you talk to yourself more than someone that can talk back. When the voice in your head hates you. When your about to break but you know it will fix nothing. You have to push. fight. When you have nothing but a wondering mind. When you want to stop and turn off for the few minutes you need to wake and realize that its only you. Its just you. when you trun to see if your still the ony thing. By the time you have at least one answer its to late. There done. When the only thing you can do is bleed. With nothing to lose you find peace with just one. You slowly fade. You fall out. You sleep only to not wake. Your dust in a wind gust. Forgotten by all. seen by none.

Sober.

14 days sober. To me its not a big deal to others it huge.

Today i was told someone didnt like the way i got sober and the way i stay sober. If i go to sleep at night sober that means i wake up sober. I can live with that others have trouble only because i dont ues the 12 step program. Without a sponcer. I have been going to AA for tha passed few weeks. Honestly im starting to really like going. As much as i did drink and love alcohol youd be happy to know that im really trying im putting my best into this staying sober. I know its going to a long hard road outta hell for me. Just like everyone else its not going to easy but its better by the day. When someone had 3 mouths 6 months sober thats great it would be stupid to start drinking again they had come so far. I know i did just that. I went 3 mouths sober and i was very proud. But i went and got a beer one day thinking ill just habe one. Thats not possible. I got drunk. Messing up everything that i was working so hard for. I had to start all over again. I was disappointed in only myself. Witch just that disappointment led me to drink more. And more. After a few months i tried again and again. Now im just 14 days in. I need a change. A change in my life and i need it real soon. But i need help i dont know how to or even where to start. Who to ask? I have no idea. Whrre to go? I can not answer that question. How to start? I know right? Here i am back to feeling like scum of the earth once again. Clueless and fustertaed. Im having a lot of trouble making my next move. Getting going to where it is i need. Being sober makes things a lot easier to get thing done but i dont have the motivation, the drive to do what i need to. But i do like this sober life its different.

Dreamer of the dream.

Everyone dreams if its at night or just a simple vishanary of a want or a goal. As one to sleep at night in a bed the see what the brain has to offer. to see the past as if a memory of something that has happened and that is all done and over with. Or as if you looking to the future as to see what is coming,going to happen. A dream can be anything a fear. A happiness and exemptions of whats to come or already has. In each mind that never stops. In eatch and everyone of us a movie that only you can see. To me the human mind is a beautiful thing to wast. To me a mind to put in place of a mission put in front of a individual. My dreams are mostly the past as of a (ex girlfriend) or my (mother) whom as passed recently. In the passed already has happened. I also dream as if im falling. A (fear) “to me” also i dream of larg bodies of water (fear). Sometimes my teeth fall out of my face with i have heard its not just i that dream of that. As i dream of a (ex) if its Tayler “the love of my life that i miss overwhelmingly” would feel a sort of a happiness or just calm at peace. A feeling as if something has come to a end and i can breathe. A feeling of safness. A dream could make you want to change after seeing what could be. Or to what could have to come. Or as of something that you have lost and just cant get back. Powerful, but yet a heartbreak as you awaken with tears already without knowing. To something that has to end but you never wated to. To someone you can never see or touch again never to speak aging. Only in a dream where its all possible to have what you want what you miss what you need. To see what you fear the most to cry when the only one to have loved you the one to take your pain and put to at rest. But you need to wake at some point and realize you had everything you have ever wanted and its all done in a flash as fast a your dream comes to a end and you are wakend. Only for them dreams to just become a faded memory as you are to what you so desperatly wanted but are forgotten.

Ups and downs.

Here i am January 25th 2018 14 days sober after getting out of treatment in a place called Rigeview in middle point Ohio i spent 28 days there. I met a lot of great people and honestly i had a lot of fun but it was like a prison. Alot has happened sine my last “blog”.

I lost my best friend Kevin i had to move out of his beautiful home that i lived for only three months do to my drinking. My mom passed away and my drinking got worse..i went down hill faster and faster i lost control onec again i was the drunk alone by myself even more ater mom passed. I found myself going to Mulligans even more and more “a heavy metal bar” id go by myself and drink by myself. Ater i relapsed i started over i had 28 days under my belt. Now im at only 14. I hated myself after i sobered up on a two week binge.

I sarted going to AA at first i though it was really stupid and i really didn’t want to go. After about a week of going everyday i started to really love it. For fuck sack whats one hour out of this worthless day anyhow? Right? I am now a 28 years old “receiving alcoholic” this time im really trying. I met this girl at one of the meetings she was beautiful her name was Kayla and we hit it off almost right away. I kissed her probably three hours after i met her and well she kissed me back. That lasted two days. We went to a buddys place she drove i got real pissed of for reasons that are not important. I snapped. i lost it i scared that poor girl and now we dont talk.

To be honest i really haven’t thought about alcohol the same way as i did two months ago. Its been getting easier and easier by the day i just dont want to drink no more and really the AA meeting are real helpful.

Have you ever felt like your so lost? Faded away? Like a star in the morning sun? Its like everytime i dont feel right i would have turned to the alcohol. Now i have the right medication to help not run stright to alcohol witch i hope to make it one year without a drink. I have been thinking alot about going to college but knowing me itll probably not happen.

hatred.

Most time I love people. More times than I’d like to admit tho I fuckin hate people. 

People suck. I need a way out sometimes and have no where to run. I feel like the walls are closing in. Suffocating. Fighting with thoughts that are hard to deal with even when there is no pressure. Asking for the answers to the everyday. Being shunned. Left out. The urge to relapse is high. Is harder to resist. Devised with a after out come. With a rather after math of deeper depression and shame. The power of will is fading. The love for that numbness is raging. Flooding back. With a force. A force yet unspoken. But yet a force unheard.with vicious blows of unwanted untamed effect. This is one I can’t get out of my brain. It’s a deep desire to fire back with two barrels.

this endless attack is out of control with a far worse effect for much more than nessasary..

with what people like to do with me as I want nothing but a loved helpful life for others. To be the person to help one. Being the one that can’t be told you don’t wanna talk to me. Instead not being told anything. Ignored. honestly I’d much rather you tell me you hate me you don’t want to talk to me. You don’t want me to talk to you. Don’t ignore me.

Just this bottomless pit. A endless hole. 

It’s a endless wait as you know the depression will hit.you want to give people a chance but every time you do your proven wrong. You know and feel as the world sinks and spine only for the rage to be brought back again. In a life you were giving as a life you could be taking. They stand so far from you. In this room I sit and wait. For you I hope to take my hate. In here there is no love lost. Take away with all cost.for you I put to sleep I need your love for me to keep. I give you this my hand to take.its what you have is all you can make. For I will land back on my feet.for I’m the one you’ll never beat.

When I’m can come back around I think you’ll see I’m on top and will raise. I’ll take all your despite and all your lies. For I’ll be the one that’s just fine.

The end of Era I’ll not forget. The start of this chapter I’ll not began. But to never start up again. When I find myself with people. Is when I’ll trust and love within.you get what you give and raped of what you believe in. I really hate people. It’s the worst when you want to love.

4/17/17.

Jess.

this addiction.

In 3 days I’m 2 months sober.

I find it extremely difficult not to see addiction in a everyday world sober. My addiction was terrible. I hated myself. And in a way..I I do, I hate myself for it…. Sick. 

I was addicted to alcohol for many years i had a fuckin blast. But I was bad. But it’s not just seeing alcohol but also in whatever pills,meth,sex,porn,music,food,.

I don’t do drugs but I do smoke pot. But I do love alot of food sex porn and music lol. I just see things like my teeth hurt and I’m taking ibuprofen and don’t really like pills I don’t wanna fuck with that shit.i really do miss my drinking days I might do it again someday if I can really trust myself again after being so stupid and being a jerk off. I wanna better myself and we will see where I can be.
I am talking to a girl that for the past years I have always loved and still love with my entire everything. This girl is my everything she’s beautiful I truly love to see this girl. But it’s way more than that. She’s great she’s funny and sexy. I mean..away she likes me? How? We really had a lot of fun I adored her. And I do. I adore that girl. I was drinking alot when we dating I was a piece of Monkey asshole shit. .I was bad to a lot of women.  Just drunk and stupid. A lot of things are different now. She’s got two kids I’m not drinking. It’s kinda like saying hi Tay I’m Jesse all over again? I met her when she was 4 5 mouths pregnant. And really I loved it. I wish I could have done better and been there with her..her and the boy. She just had another child last month I think and it killed me it wasn’t with me..I love everything about her. It’s a bonus she’s so fuckin hot to just bust a nut to her beauty “in my eyes she’s a fuckin goddes”. I have be texting her lately and I’m happy about it. While we where together I also fell in love with a band. Alesana. There a poet his words are brilliant. There’s a song Call “the thespian” it just puts Taylor in my head “tell me I’m forgiven you’ll aways be mine tell me everything is over tell me I’m fine. No one deserve to live like this. I touch your Lipe I stare in your eyes you smile and it makes me fly”…I truly love her. And someday. She will be mine…I hope..I’ll always be here for her..she is my krytonnite. I really do believe that in the past she really did love me back I just feel it with her. I feel happy seeing so much as a text from her. I remember the night we where done. I threw up a few times. We where both just being assholes and I was just a young stupid asshole. I’d die to see her agin. trying to get sober is really hard and for you  incredibly awesome people who did good job guys. It really sucks it’s hard dealing with a lot of things I smoke alot and I fuckin hate it but again I love it. Kinga starting to think it’s gross. But it helps a lot again I’m addicted..see.. 

But emotions are hard sober I gotta think differently but half the time I just need to start to think. Feeling like kinda feeling sad down alot? Sometimes just kinda really bored if I’m not working. I jerk off alot. Lol I’m really impatient. .and I have a hairpin trigger. Mean just to be mean to people who didn’t need it let alone just people in general. I like people but I’m mean to them. I mean I’m a nice guy but I can be a major ass fuck. Who cant?

I’m kinda learning life over in a way I just have to try sober. I’m stupid and I’m very good at pissing people off and I’m good at and most the time I love to do it. Living life without alcohol it hasn’t been so bad but it’s only been two munths. Again we will see what I can bring to this world. What can I do? Anything I want? I want alot of things. And maybe..I can have a few of them? I will earn it. Let’s see what I can do. Whom ever reads this great thanks for the read. “I’m sorry you read this” lol  3/1517
for the reader. Tay will love me someday.

some ..change?..

Really thinking about quite smoking aswell. I think I need to better my health and try to put on some pounds. I have been this size my whole life and I want 10 or 15 pounds..you usually hear people say “I wanna lose it” not me. I think I need to start taking better care of myself. And being better with money. I don’t really wanna have to buy my death with Paying to smoke. I need to work on my body.I eat once a day but it’s a big amount of food mostly eggs, potatoes,tamato, some kinda meat with onion and toast. 

And I want to get back into life. I used to be so creative and a lot smarter. I want the creative to come back I wanna be better. Let’s see how long I can go I’m gonna give it a try.

MAR 14/17.